It's Been One Month Today

The worst thing I find about not smoking is that I have to feel every little ache and pain and experience every little emotion that erupts in me. I can't escape with a cigarette any more. Nothing is masked. Now that the nicotine withdrawal has passed, I am going through a rawness I did not expect: vivid emotions, irritating physical sensations, and an almost autistic sensitivity to auditory distractions.

The best parts of not smoking are feeling better, breathing better, not having to stop what I am doing to go outside for a butt, and having a little bit of pocket money once in awhile. My goal was and is to be thin and healthy. I'll never be either of those things if I smoke. I want to be around for my children and their children.

I have begun having smoking dreams - dreams of lighting up a cigarette so real it's like actually smoking. I even wake up hungover with guilt.

I feel like I am coming out of a fog, a long fuzziness of perception. Clarity is what it's called I guess. I thought it would be more pleasurable. But....it just "is".